After 8 1/2 years of marriage and 22 months of waiting we are pregnant! When we decided it was time to start a family I had fears that it wouldn't happen. I kept thinking, “Why hasn't it happened in the first 7 years we were married, even just by accident?” One Sunday morning in August of '06 I was in church and a word was spoken about trusting in the Lord. I felt the Lord ask me, “Do you trust me to fill this desire for a baby?” I answered, yes. (This seemed like the right thing to say when the Lord asks you a question) Seeing right through that He said again, “Martha, do you trust me?” I again said, yes. The Lord took me to a verse, Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering for He who promised is faithful." To me this was the Lord confirming that He planned to fill this desire of my heart. I felt impressed by the Lord to go and buy a baby outfit as a reminder of a promise he would fill. That afternoon after church I went to Wal-Mart and bought a newborn sleeper. I was afraid Al would think I was nuts, (he was out of town that weekend), instead when I told him, he confirmed that he felt this was from the Lord. This baby outfit has hung somewhere in our house as a reminder of this promise ever since. Each time I look at it, I am reminded that God will fill that sleeper with His promise.
In August of '07 we finally got a positive pregnancy test. We were overjoyed with excitement. I had tested early and was shocked to see it. Unfortunately a couple days later I began to bleed and the doctor confirmed we were no longer pregnant. It was devastating, but somehow one of the best things that Al and I have walked through together. Not because it was fun or easy, but because before that pregnancy Al's desire was a baby for me, but in those few days he had become attached to the idea for himself. God used this to solidify the calling on his heart to be a father. During this hard time we were surrounded by support and prayers from friends and family and it was clear God had a plan in all of this.
Since we were at a year of trying we sought medical advice and were told there didn't seem to be any major issues keeping us getting pregnant again. Al took supplements (thanks Al for putting up with my insanity!) and I charted my temps. Before the loss not many people knew we were trying, after we had an entire team praying and believing with us for this promise. We clung to scripture and had them posted where we could see them at home. The Lord spoke to us through these verses and many more. 2 Corinthians 1:20, Proverbs 3:5-6, Hebrews 10:35-36 and Hebrews 10:23. Prayer was vital to keep faith up and doubts down. I wasn't always the best at it, but I had a support team like none other. It seemed like every time I lost faith the Lord would lead me to another verse, another person with a faith story, or I would hear something in a sermon that felt like was just for me. I received cards and emails from people encouraging me in this time of waiting. Close friends had dreams about our promised baby and encouragement was all around. This time of waiting brought me closer to the women in my life that God had called to be apart of all this. And more importantly to my husband and our Lord.
I have been in a class at church called, Home Life Practicum. I have been so blessed by the teaching in this class and the women I have met and the leadership I have come under. During one of our small group times a friend, Laura, shared a testimony of some things the Lord had been showing her through a time of fasting. She reminded us of the lesson in Genesis of how Jacob wrestled with the Angel of the Lord until the Lord blessed Him. He went away from that experience with a limp because the Lord touched him. I was really moved by what Laura was sharing and her challenge to us was, "What has the Lord promised you that you are wrestling for? Don't give up until you get what is yours". It wasn't a matter of me saying, "Lord, Give me what I want", it was, "Lord I will wrestle until I receive my blessing". I took this to the Lord and felt that He was calling me and Al to a media fast during our time together in the evenings. I hate to admit this, but I looked at this time as preparation for my heart for the ending of another cycle. Little did I know the Lord's plan was to end this time of fasting with His touch and we walked away more changed that I could have imagined. It wasn't a limp, but it will turn into a waddle! I am so excited for the name change Al and I are recieving this year along with our fulfilled promise.
Last Friday morning during my devotions I read 2 verses that jumped off the page at me, Luke 1:37, Nothing is impossible with God and Luke 1:45, Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!"
As I drove home from work for lunch that day, I began to pray that the Lord would direct my thoughts. All morning I had been so focused on my possible upcoming period, how good my temps looked and I just couldn't focus. I had emailed back and forth with Carina, Jeannie and Trish and got some of that support I was talking about. They each reminded me my focus needed to be on the Lord. That drive as I prayed I saw a picture of a rainbow. I looked up in the sky to see if there was an actual rainbow (I love rainbows and what they represent to the Lord, that He will remember his promise, Gen. 9:16). The sky was clearing after a rainstorm, but there was no rainbow in the sky. I thought, "Well maybe that wasn't from you God". I felt the Lord respond with, "The rainbow is the promise of your baby, I remember". I decided that was a good reason to do a pregnancy test! Al was asleep, (he still works nights), so I quietly went in the bathroom and did what had to be done. I looked at the test and saw a negative, but the test said to wait 2 minutes for results. I took the test with me to the kitchen and set it down on the counter. A few moments later I looked and there was a VERY faint positive. So faint I wasn't sure if I was imagining it or not. It seemed to get darker and I began to shake. Still unconvinced I woke up poor Al from a deep sleep to say, "Um, babe… I need you to look at something. I think I have a + pregnancy test, but I don't know" He had to take the test from my hand in order to see it clearly as I was shaking so badly. He saw it too! I promised to let him sleep and I would go buy another brand and try another test. After 3 tests and 3 people besides me confriming they too saw the lines I still wasn't sure. I would go from overjoyed to doubt. To take my mind off of things I decided to listen to a podcast from the previous weeks sermon. I was fretting and doubting and when I hit play, Pastor Dale literally yelled in my ear to choose a faith perspective and not a fear perspective. I knew it was up to me what I was going to allow in my heart. By the end of the day I had so much peace and I just knew it was finally my time. I tested AGAIN the next morning and I got my dark positive. I was still reluctant to share our news out of fear of what might happen. With each person we told my faith increased and I was able to share more of a testimony of what the Lord had done for us.
We are so excited and so peaceful. I can't say that I "feel" the baby, but its like I feel that presence there. I know our baby is in the Lord's hands and all that happens in the next 9 months I leave there. I have no desire to take control or take credit for any of this. Each evening Al lays hands on my belly and we pray for a perfect pregnancy and a perfect baby. With every person we tell its opportunity to share all the Lord has done for us in the last 2 years. Over this time we have cried tears of joy, frustration and grief, but in the end I know that God has seen each of those tears and He has made us stronger in Him.
I promise not all of my posts will be this long, but I thought it was important to share with those we love.
